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A Bad Beginning - Have Fedora, Will Travel

About A Bad Beginning

Previous Entry A Bad Beginning Nov. 13th, 2006 @ 08:57 am Next Entry
I dreamed last night that Sharif had died. It was awful.

I do not know how it had happened, but I knew that I would never, could never, be happy again. Friends and family crowded too close, offering me gifts and empty kind words, trying to make me smile. I just wanted to be left alone to be miserable. As is the nature of dreams, the scenery around me would change from time to time- an unfamilar living room, an airplane, a library. The "friends" that visted were not always people that I actually know. This did not indicate to me that perhaps I was experiencing something untrue.

When I woke, I was blaming myself for not insisting that he go to the doctor when the pain started. The realization that it was a dream came to me slowly, and even after that, it took a little longer to understand that because it was a dream, it had not happened. I actually felt the relief physically- my breathing changed, and I was acutely aware of my heartbeat. I pulled my bedcovers more tightly around me and stayed very still, reminding myself that I was not sad.

I was, however, exhausted. It was not a restful sleep.

What a horrible to way to start a Monday.
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From:misfidget
Date:November 13th, 2006 02:20 pm (UTC)

Poor girlie...

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I hate that kind of dream... it takes so long for your body to unclench, even after you've realized you were asleep and dreaming. Our subconscious is a wonderful and terrible thing.

Big hugs for you and the still-breathing Sharif.
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From:khakipants
Date:November 13th, 2006 03:46 pm (UTC)

Re: Poor girlie...

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Hugs are good, thank you!

I think that Sharif is lucky that we don't live together, as I probably would have had to wake him up with relieved hugs, and it would have been far earlier than he would like to be awake.
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From:bitchiekittie
Date:November 13th, 2006 02:46 pm (UTC)
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oh no - I'm really sorry you had such an awful dream! I know how upsetting they can be, even after you wake up and realize that's all it was. I hope you can shake off the residual misery and have a good day!
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From:khakipants
Date:November 13th, 2006 03:47 pm (UTC)
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I don't know why all of a sudden, the dreams that I remember are Crying Dreams. I prefer not remembering at all, I think.

I'm going to try to have a good day. Thanks!
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From:ashavah
Date:November 13th, 2006 03:10 pm (UTC)
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I have dreams like that effect me like that occasionally. It takes so much to remind yourself that it's just a dream and to shake that feeling of dread, of grief. *hugs*
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From:khakipants
Date:November 13th, 2006 03:49 pm (UTC)
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Hugs are exactly the right prescription after dreams like that! Thank you.
(Tell me a story)
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