For those of you who have forgotten, the question was "What could be worse than the worst movie ever?"
The answer, it may now be revealed, is the sequel.
In order for this to have meaning, you must understand that the worst movie ever has never been filmed, and in fact has not been completely written. It is called MacDeath and is a joint effort between my sister and me. Much of the plot has been revealed in various entries by me and by Erica, but there's no way I'm going to go over everything here. So if you don't understand the following . . . eh, I don't know. Ask questions, we'll probably answer them.
The joy of a horrible sequel to an awful movie is that we don't have to waste time on character development, leaning heavily instead on cardboard-flat characters and extreme cliche. It'll be great!
So, without ado, I present to you:
MacDeath 2: Apocalypse
Fate- A woman, late twenties or early thirties. Blonde hair pulled back into a bun, glasses, black pinstriped skirt/suit, sensible pumps, briefcase. She is not amused. She is possibly only one of a large “corporation”, in which all members are equally businesslike and professional-looking. All are called “Fate”.
Chance- A woman, late twenties or early thirties. Similar in appearance to Fate, but with messy hair inexpertly dyed hot pink, red tube top or tattered blue sweater, black hot pants, torn fishnet stockings, stilettos or Doc Martens, an ancient coin on a shoelace tied around her neck. She works alone, giggles frequently, and acts unpredictably.
Gabriel- A celestial angel, outwardly appearing male, young and fit. Dresses in white robes with golden trim. He is to lead the legions of heaven in the final battle. In times of conflict, he bears a flaming sword.
The four angels of death, standing in a row, looking serious and tough. They are all wearing leather pants, big black boots, and tight tops (each a different colour). Their jackets are open to show off the sexy clothes (or else they are not wearing jackets). Their shadows behind them are dark and distinct and have wings.
Tagline yet to be determined.
[TV news coverage of violence in some war-ravaged area. Camera pulls away to reveal that the TV is above and behind the counter at a dark and seedy bar. Focus on a cockroach scuttling along the counter. A plastic sword skewers him and we follow as he is lifted (still wriggling) and used as garnish in a martini glass. Pull back to see Dare lift this drink to her lips and sip. A millipede circles her wrist. She lowers her drink. Picture freezes.]
They are the angels of death.
[New angle. Elbows enters and leans back against the bar next to Dare. Dare indicates TV.]
[Elbows glances at TV, shrugs, grabs a beer from a guy walking past, punches guy in face when he starts to protest, guy crumples unconscious- all in quick succession. Elbows takes a swig, puts beer on counter.]
It’s what I do.
The four who will ride out at the end of the world.
[New angle. Raven enters and sits on stool on Dare’s other side.]
Supermarkets and restaurants throw away thousands of pounds of food every night, while children in the ghettos only a mile away have not had a nutritious meal in over a year . . . I love this town.
[Raven sighs contentedly. Picture freezes.]
Their power is legendary, their presence . . . undeniable.
[Elbows looks at her watch.]
Where is she?
[Outside there is a skid and a crash. Cut to opening door. Truth enters. Through door we can see that a bus and a freight truck have collided- hard.]
Always near, girls. I’m always near.
[She smiles. Picture freezes.]
They await a signal.
[Black screen. Momentary silence, then the sound of a trumpet.]
[Blue sky, fluffy clouds, a traditional (male) celestial angel clothed in white and gold plays a trumpet atop a crystalline tower.]
[The four, on a city square, stop and look up, startled.]
Is that what I think it is?
[Close up on Truth, her eyes bright.]
[The four ride their hover jetskis through a thunderstorm.]
The call has come.
[Untold ranks of serious-looking celestial angels, all in white and gold. Gabriel in front brandishing his flaming sword.]
But who is calling the shots?
[Fate stands in an impossibly long white hallway lined with doors.]
You realize that the outcome is inevitable.
[Chance stands on a dark wet street corner- a neon light flickers behind her.]
Don’t trust me. I’m very unreliable.
[A city street- dark, wet, empty. The four walk toward the camera.]
What the hell is going on?!
[Close up of Truth, looking triumphant.]
It’s the end of the world.
[Empty quiet city, seen from above. Possibly with cheesy wind sounds.]
[Rock music plays over a series of quick shots. Including:]
[Elbows kicks a guy in the face.]
[Celestial angels march.]
[Raven spins around and throws a grenade.]
[Fate stands and watches disapprovingly as Chance swings around a streetlight pole.]
[Dare stands with arms stretched upwards as insects swarm over her.]
[The four enter a dimly-lit room and find the original Four (from the first movie) lounging there. New are surprised, original are amused.]
[Zooming along the white corridor as doors slam shut on either side.]
[Black screen. Music stops abruptly.]
It would appear that some rules no longer apply.
[Elbows, Dare, and Raven fight celestial angels.]
[Truth stands alone atop a barren hill. Lightning flashes overhead. She draws her sword.]
[A huge explosion fills the screen.]
[Dare stands, hands cupped together, holding them out to a random thug. He leans forward to see what she’s holding. As her hands start to open, the screen goes black. A bloodcurdling scream begins, but is cut off sharply.]
[that card with all the movie info]
Well, that took forever.